I’m 18 and Still Sleep with My Mom (2024)

Dr Jennifer Taub, PhD

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Reader’s Question

I’m 18 years old and I have never slept in a bedroom by myself. I’m terrified to death of the dark and even if I could make peace with the dark, I couldn’t bear to sleep by myself.

I will turn 19 soon and it has taken me a long time to admit that I have a problem. I’m in tears writing this because I feel desperate and hopeless and, most of all, ashamed — I’m an adult and I sleep with my mom.

I used to share a room with my sister, then we got our own rooms and I started sleeping on the floor of my parents’ bedroom. Years passed and I started getting scared of sleeping on the floor. My father sleeps in the living room now and I sleep with my mom.

I do not know anyone who is experiencing this problem. I know it is strange, unusual, immature and abnormal. Please don’t judge me. I need help. What do I do? How will I ever live by myself? I can’t seem to find any answers. I stay up till 3 or 4 am watching TV, talking to people, listening, trying to fall asleep — nothing works. I keep imagining things and I freak out. Even if I’m not scared of anything in particular, I start sweating and sleep flies out the window. Next day I’m exhausted at work and school. I have a beautiful little night light and even that scares me in the middle of the night.

I’m in college and I will go to medical school soon. I really need help with this problem. Should I take sleeping pills? Aren’t they dangerous? How do I fix this problem?

Psychologist’s Reply

First, let me say that you are not the first adult to ever have such a problem.

According to an article published by the National Sleep Foundation about insomnia (difficulties falling asleep), around 30-40% of adults say they have some symptoms of insomnia within a given year, and about 10-15% of adults say they have chronic insomnia. The most common reason for adults to have insomnia is anxiety: worries that ‘rev up’ their minds, and keep sleep away.

You are describing two interwoven problems, both of which can be solved with some help, effort, and cooperation of your family. The first problem is anxiety — those general worries that are revving up your mind when it’s time for sleep. The other problem is the way in which your sleep has been conditioned. You have always slept with another person in the room, and this has become a requirement for you to fall asleep.

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(Please read our important explanation below.)

Most children, and many adults too, have sleep transition objects and/or conditions that must be in place for falling and staying asleep. For young children, think of special stuffed animals, blankets, or pacifiers. Many children maintain use of these objects into adolescence or adulthood — you may even have some friends who still sleep with a special pillow or stuffed animal, and they will be taking them away to school with them. Other children have ‘objects’ that are not as practical as they get older, such as a bottle, or even mom or dad.

Environmental and behavioral cues for sleep are also important. Think of the young child who not only must have mom nearby to fall asleep, but also requires her back to be rubbed. Soon, that child will not be able to fall asleep without having her back rubbed. Changing these patterns can be very challenging both for children and for adults.

Good ‘sleep hygiene’ is also important for maintaining a positive sleep schedule. Good sleep practices include having a set bedtime every night; using bed only for sleep (and sex, for adults) and not for reading, watching TV or other activities; and getting out of bed if one is lying awake for more than 20 minutes.

While you may not know of anyone else who is experiencing your problem, it is not that uncommon for families with school-aged or adolescent children to come into treatment because a child cannot fall asleep on his or her own. In your situation, your family has also unwittingly contributed to keeping your problem going. At the point when you got your own room, rather than getting treatment for you, your parents allowed you to sleep in their room, which kept your problem going. Using this as an example, I will describe what could be expected from behavioral treatment for a sleep problem like yours. Instead of having you sleep in mom and dad’s room, you would have been encouraged to sleep in your own bed, but with mom or dad nearby (on the floor, perhaps). Each night, mom or dad would move progressively further away from your bed, until they were in the hallway, and so on. This process is not fast — it could take several weeks.

Looking to your situation now, you will require the help of a psychologist or behavior analyst with experience in this area. Comprehensive behavioral treatment is recommended for addressing your sleep problems. Some version of the above will most likely be recommended, except you will be the one moving progressively away from your parents’ bed. Your father will also need to take back his place in the marital bed. At the same time, it is not a bad idea for you to have a ‘sleep object’ — one you can take with you wherever you go (such as a special pillow). You should refrain from associating other things with bedtime, such as TV.

As for medication, it may be useful to have an evaluation for the anxiety problems that seem to be contributing to your sleep difficulties. The use of medication for sleep (“hypnotics”) should be considered only after a proper evaluation and after a behavioral treatment plan has been put in place. Hypnotics can result in trading your sleep dependency on another human being, for dependency on a pill. An article published by the National Center on Sleep Disorders Research, at the National Institutes of Health, recommends the use of sleep medication only for short-term use with acute insomnia, or for the long-term treatment of specific sleep disorders.

You did not say if you have difficulty staying asleep once you fall asleep. The normal sleep cycle includes several ‘awakenings’ during the night. We don’t come to full consciousness, but we are in a state close to waking. If the conditions match those in which we initially fell asleep, we go right back to sleep and never notice. If the conditions are different, we may become more fully awake and experience the ‘falling asleep’ problem again (think of the parent who goes to the child in the middle of the night to pop the pacifier back in, or rub the child’s back). It is therefore important that the environment and sleep cues be consistent throughout the sleep period. So it’s not a good idea to fall asleep to TV or music — unless you plan to have those things on all night, every night.

There is certainly hope for you. Together with your family and outside help, you might solve this problem within a few months.

Please read our Important Disclaimer.

  • anxiety and stress
  • child development
  • medications
  • sleep
  • therapy

All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. Originally published by Dr Jennifer Taub, PhD on and last reviewed or updated by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on .

https://askthepsych.com/atp/2012/01/16/im-18-and-still-sleep-with-my-mom/

I’m 18 and Still Sleep with My Mom (2024)

FAQs

At what age should a child stop sleeping with their mother? ›

According to Liz Nissim-Matheis, a clinical psychologist in New Jersey, it's best to end co-sleeping when a person reaches puberty, or at around 11. “Once we get into that territory of bodies changing, that's when you really want to take a step back and say, 'What is going on here?

Is it normal to sleep with your parents at 18? ›

Wanting to sleep in your mom's bed sometimes because you find it comforting is perfectly normal. If you or your mom emotionally relied on sleeping in the same bed, or you were feeling pressured into it, that would be cause for concern. Beyond that, you should do what feels right to you!

Is sleeping with your mom normal? ›

Recent studies showed that many children co-sleep with their parents. It was noted that 45 percent of mothers co-sleep with their 8 to 12 years old children occasionally, and 13 percent of mothers do it daily.

Can my mom stop me from going out at 18? ›

This means you have the same legal rights as any other adult, including the right to make your own decisions about your life. Your parents cannot legally force you to stay in the house, prevent you from working, or control your personal interactions.

Is it unhealthy for a child to sleep with their parents? ›

Harm of Co-sleeping

Bed sharing can be dangerous for babies. Reason: risk of suffocation. After 12 months, there is no proven risk of harm. There is no evidence that bed-sharing produces children who are more spoiled or dependent.

What are the negative effects of co-sleeping? ›

These are the safety concerns of physicians, healthcare professionals and parents:
  • Overlying.
  • Smothering.
  • Suffocation.
  • Entrapment.
  • Strangulation.
  • Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)
Feb 4, 2013

Can a 30 year old sleep with a 18 year old? ›

There is no restriction on age for sex when it occurs between consenting adults, regardless of the age difference.

Can parents control you at 18? ›

Specifically, your rights as a parent diminish when your child turns 18, including the right to know anything about their finances, medical condition, or even school records. That means, for example, that if your child were injured, you wouldn't have the right to make medical decisions on their behalf.

Can my parents take my stuff when I'm 18? ›

If you are an adult and they take away things you've paid for, they have committed theft.

Is it OK to sleep with my daughter? ›

I have seen first-hand the strong opinions people have about parents co-sleeping (or not) with their children. While we need to be mindful of safety and SIDS when co-sleeping with infants, there is no problem with co-sleeping with older children in and of itself.

What is it called when you sleep with your parents? ›

Co-sleeping or bed sharing is a practice in which babies and young children sleep close to one or both parents, as opposed to in a separate room. Co-sleeping individuals sleep in sensory proximity to one another, where the individual senses the presence of others.

Can a mother sleep with her daughter? ›

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents sleep in the same room with their baby, but not in the same bed, for the first 6 months. Some studies have found bed-sharing with infants to be associated with higher rates of sudden infant death.

Are my parents still responsible for me after I turn 18? ›

In most states, parental obligations typically end when a child reaches the age of majority, 18 years old. But, check the laws of your state, as the age of majority can be different from one state to the next. Many parents support their children after the age of majority, such as while the child attends college.

Can my parents still tell me what to do when I'm 18? ›

(But mostly no.) It's true that when your child reaches the age of 18, they are legally seen as an adult and are legally responsible for their own behavior instead of their parents. They can't break laws, of course – being 18 just means you can be tried as an adult, not that you're free to do anything you please.

Can my parents force me to do anything after 18? ›

At this point, they can't force you to do anything, whether it's to live at home, go to school, etc. After 18, you are legally an adult. That means you get to make your own decisions about your life. Your parents cannot force you to get into the car to go to treatment.

Is it normal for a 10 year old to sleep with their mom? ›

I consulted child psychotherapist Alison Roy. She said that allowing your child to sleep with you isn't an issue per se – many children do this and then return to their own beds when they're ready – but there are a few things to be aware of.

Is it normal for a mother to sleep with her 12 year old son? ›

Clearly, you and your son are close and he still relies on you a great deal, especially at bedtime. It's OK to carve out time for pre-bedtime cuddles and even to let him climb into bed with you in case of a nightmare, but at this point, nightly bed sharing should definitely be phased out.

Is it okay for a 15 year old to sleep with parents? ›

While conventional wisdom may emphasize that your teenage child should sleep alone, it is not necessary to force it in every case. In certain cases, having a teenage child sleep next to the parent(s) may work better.

Should I let my 10 year old sleep with me? ›

As long as there are no obligations – both parties are doing it because they want to – there is no issue. both parent and child can stop co-sleeping when they want. Co-sleeping is a learned behaviour, and can be unlearned at any time.

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